Let's face it, stay-at-home parenting and resentment go hand in hand. Usually it's a deep secret we try to keep hidden and rarely do we talk about it with our friends or heaven forbid our spouse, but when we stop and are honest with ourselves, virtually every day some form of resentment bares it's ugly head. Here's why it's important for you to acknowledge that resentment rather than banish it to the dark shadows of your mind.

If you're a stay-at-home parent you likely fall into one of four categories:

1. The "Born to be a Mother" Mom: unfortunately this category only exists for women at this point in our society, but these are the parents who from and early age knew that having children and taking care of them was their life's mission. Often this sense of duty is bred from family or religious values that are taught to these young women from infancy.
   
2. The "Married into this Role" Parent: this parent didn't think or prepare for being a stay-at-home parent, but once they married and the discussion of having children came up they quickly realized that their spouse just assumed they would put off any career aspirations and be the full time parent.
3. The "Unemployed" Parent: this parent often falls backward into the role of stay-at-home parent as their lack of employment coincides with the birth of a child.
4. The "I Choose to Stay Home" Parent: this is the parent that makes a conscious decision to leave or put on hold their career to become a full time parent.
   

No matter which of these categories you fall into, resentment plays a part in your daily life. For the"Born to be a Mother" Mom it may be resenting the better parenting skills of a friend. For the "Married into this Role" parent it maybe a resenting of your spouse and children over your lost career dreams. The "Unemployed" parent may resent a spouse's successful career or feel forced into their role. The "I Choose to Stay Home" parent might feel under appreciated for their sacrifice. The list could go on and on and unless you feel the need to keep you feelings hidden away, we can all find a substantial list of perceived slights all our own. But before you get down on yourself, here's why it's OK to feel this way:

Parenting is a tough job: no, really. I know we've all heard the pep talks or read the Mother's Day cards that talk about how many hours a full time parent puts in a week, but parenting is as tough a job as you'll find. I know most who read this post already have a clear sense of what I'm talking about, but being on the job 24/7 most of the time and "on call" for the occasional time off (babysitter) is draining in ways others can not even imagine. With this kind of toll, of course you will have times when you feel resentful of others or especially resentful of the little ones who put you to work all those many hours and can be quite demanding bosses.

Getting your feelings out is half the battle: if all we do is push those feelings back and try to ignore them all that will lead to is feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and eventually overwhelming anger. Obviously we love our children, otherwise we wouldn't be doing what we do, but if we let feelings of resentment build up over time. Blammmmo! All of the sudden we find ourselves saying things out of anger to our children or spouses. Often, things we don't even think, but it gives us a release from the pent up anger. Then usually seconds later we feel worse then we did before the outburst. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm not saying we won't ever say things we'll later regret, but minimizing the anger parents feel from built up emotion will certainly help. Obviously having a open communication with your spouse is vital to developing a healthy relationship with them and your children, but truthfully how often do you have the time to sit down and hash things out with them as an outlet? Hopefully weekly, maybe monthly, possibly never? Also when you do have time alone with your spouse it's not fun for either of you if the majority of that time is spent by you getting things off your chest. Usually this leads to less time spent together alone.

Here's a suggestion I have to help get your feelings out and relieve some of the stress caused by internalizing them. Get two small notebooks that you keep with you all the time. In one notebook whenever you feel feelings of inadequacy, resentment, anger, or frustration, record your feeling with a short descriptive entry. Something like, "Why doesn't my spouse ever thank me for the meals I make?" or "Why does my child throw tantrums every time we go grocery shopping?"

In the other notebook record all the moments that bring you joy, pride, or a sense of pleasure at your decision to be a full time parent with a short entry of it's own. Something like, "3 year old daughter helped me make lunch and told me I was her best friend. Nothing better!" or "While reading to my son today he was able to pick out and read several words on his own!"

This record of your feelings, both good and bad, not only allows you to get them off your chest, it also allows you to go back over them on your own or with your spouse and see what was just heat of the moment frustration and what might need more attention or work in your life. This allows you to see that most of the resentments you feel are just a part of the ebb and flow of life and more often then not if we bring them out in the open and examine them they are nothing more than small frustrations that are built into bigger things as we let them fester, hidden away.

More than anything it also gives you a record of why this lifestyle is rewarding. Not just the big accomplishments, but also the little moments that come daily, but sometimes are overlooked in the hustle and bustle of life. Bringing these moments together into a comprehensive record allows you to see the fruits of your labors minimizing the overwhelming stress that can cloud how we feel about ourselves and those around us.